TAKING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO HEART

Two Cultures: How do I Find My Place?

TAKING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO HEART

Two Cultures: How do I Find My Place?

Author: Lara Kalaf, psychologist and her team

Do you go through highs and lows with your parents? Do they tend to criticize the way you dress, act and speak, or even who your friends are? 

Are you sad, angry, alone? You might feel “stuck” between two worlds: that of your parents, who want you to respect their values and traditions, and that of the society you live in, which may have a very different set of expectations. 

Here’s some advice to help you better understand what you’re going through and find your place between two cultures. 

Why is it so hard to be “between” two cultures?

When your family immigrated, you most likely quickly met other young people and teachers through school. This contact helped you learn the expectations, values, and language of your new country quickly so that you could adapt. 

Your parents, on the other hand, may have been traumatized by things they lived through in their country. What’s more, they probably dealt with a lot of stress when they arrived in their new country, where they had to find a place to live, get a job, and make sense of administrative procedures. Maybe they were judged by locals because of the values they brought from their home country. All these factors could have made  them less open to their new country’s culture. 

When this happens, a divide can develop between you and your parents. You might feel: 

  • Lonely
  • Sad
  • A lack of self-confidence
  • Shame for not being like other people
  • Guilt toward your family which you may feel you’ve “betrayed”

Or you may:

  • Feel responsible for your parents
  • Have trouble feeling safe or protected by them
  • Feel anxious or angry, especially if you’re a victim of discrimination because of your background

Navigating between two cultures is complicated, but don’t be discouraged—it’s an important part of finding your unique identity and building a peaceful relationship with they community you live in.😉 

Why do parents sometimes have a hard time accepting that you don’t think like they do?

Why do parents sometimes have a hard time accepting that you don’t think like they do?

Parents may resist because:

  • They’re scared of losing their culture or want to pass on the language or other aspects of their culture, because they believe it will help you succeed.
  • They’re worried you may be in danger, especially if they don’t understand the host country’s lifestyle very well and they have difficulty communicating in another language.
  • They have religious or cultural beliefs that push them to reject certain behaviours.

Even though family conflict can be hard, remember that being interested in your host country’s culture is a good thing; don’t force yourself to choose one culture over another. In fact, you’re free to create your own unique and rich “blend” of both. 

💡 Remember: Biculturalism is a huge asset, a way to invite new ideas and perspectives. So be proud of who you are! 

How can you resolve culture-related conflict with your family?

Arguing with your parents is hard, and you might be tempted to run away or even engage in violent or risky behaviour, such as taking drugs. But this will only make the situation worse. 

Here’s some advice to help you talk to your parents about what you’re going through: 

  • Start by telling them, clearly and concretely, what you’re experiencing and how it makes you feel. Try writing down your thoughts in advance to make it a little easier ✍.
  • Don’t lay blame on your parents. All that will do is make it harder for them to listen to your perspective and may make them shut down 🗣. 

Keep in mind:

  • Resolving conflict can be a long and complicated process, so be patient🧘‍♀️.
  • Even if you disagree with your family on some things, you can still enjoy spending time with them and maintain a strong bond 👨‍👨‍👧‍👦.

If, despite all your efforts, your parents aren’t open to a discussion, don’t suffer in silence. Share what you’re going through with someone close to you who will understand: 

  • A brother, sister, cousin, or friend who also immigrated
  • An empathetic aunt or uncle
  • A teacher or coach you trust
  • A community or religious leader you can rely on

AND IF IT STARTS TO FEEL LIKE IT’S JUST TOO MUCH, THINK ABOUT REACHING OUT FOR HELP: 

👉 At school, by talking to a psychologist who knows how to listen.

👉 By contacting a free and anonymous helpline, like Tel-jeunes or Kids Help Phone, to talk with a counsellor.

Remember that if you’re over 14 years old, you can consult a health professional without your family’s consent.

👉 Cultural Consultation Service (CCS) 

👉 Training and Research Transcultural Team

However, this may be hard to manage, so think about talking to your school or a community centre counsellor for guidance—don’t go through this alone. You can also ask a friend to come along for support. 

SUPPORT RESOURCES

NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH?

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