Getting better
Stepping back from your emotions
Getting better
Stepping back from your emotions
Authors:
Dr. Frédéric Benoit, psychiatrist, and Catherine Malboeuf Hurtubise, PHD, psychologist and teacher
Fights with friends, exams at school, misunderstandings with family members . . . There are many potential causes of stress in adolescence. To help you understand your thoughts and feelings and improve the way you handle your relationships, you can learn to take a step back from your emotions using mindfulness and mentalization.
Using mindfulness to take a break from your thoughts
When negative feelings are swirling around your head like snowflakes in a snow globe, mindfulness can help you take a break and let your thoughts settle, like snowflakes at the bottom of the globe.
How does it work?
When we have negative emotions, it’s often because we’re anxious about the future or our mind is replaying moments we regret and wish we could do differently. Through mindfulness, you can take a break from your thoughts by focusing on the present moment. This allows you to reconnect with your emotions, the sensations in your body, and your surroundings.
Did you know?
Research shows that the more you practise mindfulness, the more lasting and positive its effects are.
How do you practise mindfulness?
To start, look for a quiet place where you can focus for a few minutes. You can start with meditation exercises like this one.
Listen to the podcast below (only available in French for now):
But remember that mindfulness can be practised daily, at almost any time:
- When you’re talking with a friend and really listening to what they’re saying
- When you’re eating a delicious meal and focusing on each bite
- When you’re walking down the street and you look around you to observe your surroundings and notice the sensations in your body
If you don’t have time to stop and meditate, you can still practise mindfulness. It just takes a minute or two several times a day to connect with the present moment.
Access the activity sheet
Using mentalization to better manage your relationships
When someone is telling us about something that makes them unhappy, we automatically adopt an expression of sadness and compassion. And without even realizing it, we may lean forward to create an emotional connection. These behaviours are known as unconscious mentalization.
It’s the capacity for empathy—feeling the emotions of others—that allows us to mentalize and develop strong relationships with the people close to us.
But when you’re angry or overwhelmed by another strong emotion, it becomes much harder to mentalize. That’s when you have to do it consciously—in other words, you need to make an effort to understand what is happening in your own mind as well as in the other person’s.
For instance
if you’re having a fight with a friend, you can start by asking yourself these questions:
• What emotions am I feeling?
• What physical sensations is my body feeling?
• Why am I reacting this way?
After that, you can ask yourself why the other person acted the way they did. And don’t worry: You can think about this on the spot, or later.
When you’re ready to reflect, put on your detective hat and consider the following.
Maybe . . .
• the other person acted that way because of other problems in their life
• the other person misunderstood what I said
• the other person was simply in a bad mood today because they’re tired
It’s ok if you don’t know the answer right away. Simply by asking yourself these questions and using your imagination, you’ll realize that a single situation can be interpreted in a number of different ways. This will prevent you from reacting too quickly or strongly and help you manage your relationship more calmly.
Sometimes, you can check in with the other person to see if one of your assumptions was accurate. This gives you the opportunity to learn more about others, and it also gives you the chance to learn about yourself and how you manage your relationships.
Applying this technique to all areas in your life—even when everything’s going well—will make you more attentive and help you get more out of your relationships (which also means others will get more out of their relationship with you), with the added benefit of seeing other people’s points of view and respecting your differences.
What is the goal of mentalization?
Mentalization will help you:
- Think before you react
- Understand yourself better
- Be more tolerant and open-minded
- Change your own opinions about people and situations, and change other people’s opinions
In short, you will gain self-confidence and feel better when you’re with others.
Need to talk about how you feel?
Talk to a Tel-Jeunes worker: It’s anonymous, free, and accessible 24/7
Our partner
Les Éditions Midi trente offers practical books and helpful intervention tools aimed at helping people young and old overcome challenges and foster their potential.