TAKING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO HEART

Learning to communicate

TAKING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO HEART

Learning to communicate

Author: Stéphanie Deslauriers, psychoeducator

Communicating, discussing, listening, expressing yourself—these are all skills that can be learned. We learn to communicate with others throughout our lives, but also through the example we grew up with and continue to be exposed to in our families. 

Do your parents have disagreements from time to time? Surely they do, because disagreements are part of life. But do they make up afterwards? Do they find a compromise? Do they keep things  respectful, even when they argue? Are they able to forgive eachother? 

When answering these questions about your parents, think about how you manage conflict in your life. 

Respectful communication

Outside of your family, it is very possible that you’ll have disagreements with your friends or your girlfriend or boyfriend. And while disagreements aren’t the end of the world, it’s a good idea to avoid conflict by communicating respectfully with other people—and with yourself. As the saying goes, everything starts with you. 

Here are a few tips to help you prevent conflict

Here are a few tips to help you prevent conflict

If you’re really angry, take a beat and step back before you say hurtful things that you don’t really believe. In other words, don’t speak too soon. 

Before you share your opinion with someone, ask yourself: does this person really want my opinion? If so, how can I express it without being hurtful? If not, do I really need to express it, especially if it might hurt the other person? 

Listen actively. This means that when someone is talking to you, you aren’t preparing your reply in your head. When you do that, you’re not really listening, are you? Look at the other person attentively, reword what they’re saying to be sure that you’ve understood, or ask them to explain it again if you’re not sure. Also, try to show empathy. In other words, try to put yourself in the other person’s place and understand the situation from their perspective. 

When conflict breaks out

Despite your best efforts, conflicts happen, and they can be unpleasant, unsettling, and frustrating. But a disagreement doesn’t mean that your friendship or relationship is over.

Here are a few simple steps you can take to defuse the situation: calm down, talk it out, find a solution together, try to apply it, assess its effectiveness, and find another solution together, if necessary. 

Nonviolent communication

Whenever you communicate with someone, nonviolent communication is the best approach. 

What is nonviolent communication?

It’s a four-step communication process:1

  1. Observation: Look at the situation as objectively as possible.
  2. Feeling: Identify and express how you feel with respect to the situation and listen to the other person’s feelings in return.
  3. Need: Express your needs that aren’t being met in the situation.
  4. Request: Speak clearly and positively to the other person to restore your well-being.

 

Why is this approach important?

  • By using “I” statements, you avoid making the other person feel like they’re being accused, which would make them shut down.
  • By stating facts and naming your emotions without blaming the other person, you will be heard more fully.
  • By being open to discussion and really listening to the other person—without trying to interrupt them, preparing a reply, or defending yourself— you give yourself a chance to better understand their perspective and come up with compromise, together. 

 

To help you better understand the concept, here’s an example of nonviolent communication in action. 

“We were supposed to walk to the bus stop together this morning, but you didn’t wait for me. I was hurt and a bit mad because I felt rejected. I wanted to talk to you this morning and I wasn’t able to. In the future, please let me know ahead of time if we can’t walk together as planned.”

Keep on communicating!

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1 Anne-Laure Boselli, Les 50 règles d’or de la communication non violente [The 50 golden rules of nonviolent communication] (Larousse, 2019), 94.