HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
ARE YOU UNKNOWINGLY A TOXIC PARENT?
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
ARE YOU UNKNOWINGLY A TOXIC PARENT?
Author: Suzanne Vallières, psychologist, speaker and mother
We sometimes hear about so-called “toxic” relationships people have with colleagues, friends or lovers—in other words, relationships that have a negative impact on those involved and are characterized by recurring unhealthy interactions.
It’s now widely recognized that certain forms of parenting can also be toxic and can significantly affect a child’s development.
Read more to better understand and recognize toxic parenting and its impact on mental health, so you can avoid adopting these behaviours with your young person.
✋ First and foremost, it’s important to remember that parenting isn’t an innate skill, and that no parent is perfect. It’s normal and possible that, at one time or another, a parent may react or behave less kindly towards our children. With fatigue, stress and certain family situations, it’s natural for parents to be impatient at times.
Certain attitudes, sometimes involuntary or unconscious, of the parent towards their child can lead to the development of a toxic relationship.
WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF A “TOXIC” PARENT?
Here are some characteristics of “toxic” parents that should be avoided.
Please note: parenting becomes toxic when the attitudes below are adopted consistently and repeatedly in interactions with one’s child.
🤯 Difficulty controlling emotions
The parent is impulsive, explosive. They easily lose their temper or dramatize certain situations. The child perceives that their parent can readily lose control and become hostile without reason. This contributes to a feeling of insecurity and hypervigilance.
🤬 Criticism
The toxic parent tends to be overly reproachful and make comments that are not constructive. They give the impression that they are never satisfied with their child’s achievements, and that their child never lives up to their expectations. Faced with this type of behaviour, the child is likely to feel stress associated with their performance and a disproportionate desire to impress their parent.
👉 Blame
When faced with a mistake or a compromising situation, the parent tends to blame their child or the rest of the family. They struggle with taking responsibility for their part in the conflict or problem. This can make the young person more defensive, making it harder for them to acknowledge their wrongdoings in their interpersonal relationships. Conversely, some young people will develop a heightened sense of guilt, feeling constantly responsible for situations for no reason.
❌ Control
The parent adopts a very strict approach and interferes excessively in all spheres of their child’s life. As the child grows, the parent struggles to adapt and makes infantilizing demands (e.g. forbidding their teenager from meeting friends outside of school). This type of attitude can prevent the child from becoming independent and developing a sense of responsibility, or even cause the teenager to pit themselves against or distance themselves from their parent.
😳 Humiliation
The parent insults, denigrates or mocks their child on a regular basis. The child’s self-esteem is sorely tested, and they run the risk of trying by any means possible to please their parent, without ever really succeeding. The child will have difficulty developing self-confidence and becoming a strong adult.
Sometimes, too, without even realizing it, interventions or speech can have toxic connotations and be associated with blame, criticism or humiliation.
Here are a few examples of toxic remarks, with their preferred alternatives:
❌ “Don’t tell me you had to work hard for these grades!”
✔ “What do you think of your report? Do you think you could have done better? What do you think you could do to improve your grades?”
❌ “You’re so lazy, you’re never on your game.”
✔ “Organization seems to be a challenge for you, let’s see together how we can help you improve. I trust you.”
❌ “You never take your responsibilities seriously, what are you going to achieve in life?”
✔ “For some time now, I’ve had the impression that you’ve been slacking off a bit with your responsibilities. What do you think? How could I help you and what could you do?”
Even if insulting comments or criticism can sometimes seem to resonate more with children and potentially lead them to change their behaviour, this type of intervention often puts the child on the defensive and makes them more closed off from the message you want to convey.
In the long term, parent-teen communication can become difficult. Your teenager may feel that discussions with their parent inevitably end with them being blamed and criticized.
Take a moment to reflect on your day-to-day interactions with your young person and try to adjust them as needed: use caring comments when the child is involved in the discussion and take their opinion into consideration. By doing so, the child will be more inclined to express their emotions and make positive changes.
HOW TO AVOID FALLING INTO THE TRAP OF TOXIC COMMENTS?
Here are some key principles for healthy communication with your child:
👉 Use “I” rather than “you”: “I felt hurt by your words earlier.” vs’ “You”re constantly insulting me.”
👉 Avoid using “never” and “always.”: “You’re never on time.” vs “Do you agree with me? Recently you’ve been late a lot.”
👉 Talk about facts and our observations, rather than our interpretations: “You’d rather see your friends than be with me.” vs “We were meant to have dinner together and you cancelled at the last minute to see your friends.”
👉 Make a suggestion and look for solutions: “You always leave stuff lying around.” vs “Your room is often messy, I’d like you to clean it once a week, what do you think?”
To summarize, toxic parenting practices can be detrimental to the development of a child’s sense of security, self-esteem and autonomy.
Remember that a young person who feels valued, respected, supported and listened to by their parent is a young person who will have confidence in themselves and others. The child will then feel capable of accomplishing things and motivated to succeed, which is what parents want most!
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Découvrez l'auteure et ses livres
Suzanne Vallières, a psychologist, has been working in the media field since 1996. In addition to working with various magazines, she offers the results of more than 25 years of experience with young people as a specialized trainer, therapist, lecturer, mother of three children and grandmother. She is the author of the successful “Survival Tips for Parents” series, which has been translated into six languages, the Survival Guide to Disciplining Children Aged 0 to 10, the Survival Guide for Exhausted Parents and the Survival Guide for Grandparents.
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