HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED

Two Cultures: How To Maintain a Healthy Relationship with your Teen

HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED

Two Cultures: How To Maintain a Healthy Relationship with your Teen

Author: Lara Kalaf, psychologist and her team

Have you immigrated with your family and are worried your child is distancing themselves from your culture? 

From clothing choices to food to ways of thinking and acting, your teen is influenced by the society they live in. You may worry when certain behaviours conflict with your cultural values. When this happens, you might feel scared, sad, or even angry, especially if your teen is not on the same page. 

In order to maintain your connection with your child without compromising your values, it’s important that you open up a dialogue with your child. 

Here’s some practical advice to help you better understand the challenges of biculturalism and find ways to preserve your relationship with your teen. 

Why is your child distancing themselves from your home culture?

When a family immigrates to a country with another culture, children are generally more rapidly exposed to the host culture through school and teachers, hobbies, friends, etc. This exposure allows them to quickly learn social norms (e.g., language and customs) and makes it easier for them to integrate into society, which is good for their future. 

During their teenage years, as they start to discover their unique identity, become more independent, and socialize with their peers, bicultural teens can feel perpetually caught between the expectations of the society in which they live and those of their parents’ home culture. This is where tension can arise between children and parents from diverse backgrounds. 

Tension is further heightened when there’s a disparity between family and societal values, and when parents struggle with a loss of social status or financial hardship after immigrating. 

When should you worry about the cultural divide between you and your child?

When should you worry about the cultural divide between you and your child?

If your teen constantly argues with you, cuts off communication, or refuses to compromise when you disagree—especially when the fight is about a cultural difference—the cultural divide may have become so wide that they want to reject certain aspects of your culture. In other cases, teens may self-isolate, feel sad, and question themselves. 

Despite the anger, worry or confusion this may cause you, it’s important to maintain your connection with your child. 

Know that your teen is also experiencing confusion, and may feel caught between their desire to stay close to you, to feel loved and safe, and to be accepted by their peers. This divided loyalty can lead to loneliness, anger, and guilt—especially in teens, who are in the midst of a hormonal upheaval that only heightens the intensity of their emotions. They may not come out and say it, but your teen needs your help to bridge the gap between their two cultures. 

HOW CAN YOU RE-ESTABLISH A DIALOGUE DESPITE THE CULTURAL DIVIDE? 

👉It’s important to start by examining your own internal conflicts. Immigration can be very traumatic and subjects parents to a lot of stress, which can prevent them from being available to their children.

If this applies to you, don’t hesitate to turn to someone you trust to talk to your child.

👉The second step is to decide to trust your child, to allow them to explore the other culture and form their own opinion, even if this means giving up some aspects of their home culture.

Although this may be painful for you, know that this process will enable your child to find their place in their host society. What’s more, your child will be much more likely to turn back towards you and your traditions, whereas a stricter attitude may only widen the divide between you until they are grown.

👉It can also help to have a sincere heartfelt with your teen about your cultural differences.

Here is an example of what you could say:

“Listen, I’m sad to see that there’s a gap forming between us. Our way of doing things is really different and that must be hard for you. You must be feeling all sorts of things. And I know that, sometimes, I put more pressure on you. I would really like it if we could talk about it.”

Keep an open mind and don’t give in to the temptation to retaliate or push your child to think differently, even if what they say upsets you, because you may lose their trust and communication between the two of you may break down. Remember that by being an empathic listener, you are more likely to preserve your values and maintain a good, respectful relationship with your teen.

Despite your best intentions, sometimes the differences run too deep and the arguments are ongoing. If this happens, don’t lose hope. Give yourself time to calm down, then re-engage. 

Effectively Resolve Conflicts in 6 Steps

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP YOUR TEEN COPE WITH CULTURAL DIFFERENCES? 

Helping your child be comfortable with their home and host cultures will help them find their place and develop strong self-esteem. It will also strengthen social ties, help them maintain healthy relationships with their family, and promote good mental health. 

Here are a few ways you can help: 

  • Maintain a connection with your home country to facilitate the transition, speak the language at home, enjoy traditional meals as a family 
  • Reassure and validate the feelings and emotions of your teen as they navigate the two cultures, and do so as often as necessary 
  • Keep an open mind, and talk to your child as often as possible about their discoveries, surprises, fears, and worries 
  • Value difference as a way to help your child see biculturalism as an asset 
  • Be aware that the experience of integrating into a new culture may be different for you and other family members 
  • Remind your child that, no matter where you find yourselves, you will always love them and be there for them 

Here are some resources to help:

Talk to a counsellor with cross-cultural expertise:

👉 Associations and organizations that help with the integration of new arrivals (available in most major centres in Quebec). To find a resource near you, consult the Ministère de l’Immigration, de la Francisation et de l’Intégration (MIFI) website at ministère/immigration.

👉 Community settlement, support, and integration organizations for immigrants and refugees:
Integration support services offered by partner community organizations, Centre social d’aide aux immigrants, La Maisonnée, Promis (support for immigrants and refugees)

👉 The Regional Program for the Settlement and Integration of Asylum Seekers (PRAIDA)

👉 Cultural Consultation Service (CCS) 

👉 Training and Research Transcultural Team

Resources To Help You Deal With Psychological Distress

Listen to our podcast!

Newcomers and the reality of teenagers of immigrant background

Two cultural diversity experts join us to talk about this issue and help equip parents with tools to use when their teens are having a hard time adapting to their new environment, or when the parent-teen relationship has become strained: Dr. Ghayda Hassan, cultural psychologist, and Ernithe Edmond, entrepreneur and founder of www.mymentalhealth-matters.com/platform. 

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