HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
Two Cultures: How to Find Balance with Your Teen
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
Two Cultures: How to Find Balance with Your Teen
Author: Lara Kalaf, psychologist and her team
Have you immigrated with your family and are worried your child is distancing themselves from your culture?
Be it clothing choices, food or ways of thinking and acting, your child is influenced by the society around them. This may concern you because certain behaviours may sometimes conflict with your values. Therefore, you can feel scared, sad or angry, especially if your teen disagrees with you about these questions.
In order to maintain your connection with your child while also maintaining your values, it is important to communicate with your child.
Here is some advice to help you better understand the challenges of biculturalism and find the right balance with your teen.
Why is your child distancing themselves from your home culture?
When we immigrate to a country with another culture, children are generally more rapidly exposed to the host culture through school and teachers, hobbies, friends, etc. This exposure allows them to quickly learn social norms (e.g. language and customs), therefore allowing them to integrate more easily, which is good for their future.
During their teenage years, when they begin discovering their identity, becoming more independent and socializing with their peers, children can feel perpetually caught between the expectations of the society in which they live and those of the home culture of their parents. This is where tension can arise between children and parents from diverse backgrounds.
This tension will be heightened if there is a gap between family and host society values and if the parents are experiencing difficulties such as loss of social status and financial hardships.
When should you worry about the cultural gap between you and your child?
If your teen constantly argues with you, cuts off communication or refuses to compromise when you fight, especially when the fight is about your culture, it is possible that your cultural gap has become so large that your child wants to reject certain aspects of your culture. Other teens may also have a tendency to self-isolate, to feel sad and to question themselves.
Despite the anger, worry or confusion this may cause you, it is important to maintain your connection with your child.
Know that your child is also experiencing great confusion. Between the desire to be connected to their parents, to be loved and safe, and the need to be accepted by their peers, the teen may feel conflicted about their loyalties. This leads to feelings of loneliness, anger and guilt, especially since the teen is in the midst of a hormonal upheaval, which can heighten the intensity of their emotions. Even if they don’t tell you, your teen needs your help to bridge the gap between their two cultures.
How can you re-engage your child despite the cultural gap?
👉It’s important to start by examining your own internal conflicts. Immigration can be a major trauma and subjects parents to a lot of stress, which can prevent them from being available to their children.
If this applies to you, don’t hesitate to turn to someone you trust to talk to your child.
👉The second step is to agree to trust your child, to allow them to explore the other culture, to form their own opinion, even if this means giving up some aspects of their home culture.
Although this may be painful for you, know that this process will allow your child to find their place in their host society. In addition, your child will be much more likely to return to you and your traditions, whereas a stricter attitude risks widening the gap between you and your child up until adulthood.
👉It can also help to have a sincere conversation with your teen about your cultural differences.
Here is an example of what you could say:
“Listen, I’m sad to see that there’s a gap forming between us. Our way of doing things is really different and that must be hard for you. You must be feeling all sorts of things. And I know that, sometimes, I put more pressure on you. I would really like it if we could talk about it.”
Be sure to keep an open mind and don’t give in to the temptation to retaliate or push your child to think differently, even if what they say upsets you, because your child may no longer trust you and communication between you and your child may break down. Remember that by being an empathic listener, you are more likely to preserve your values and maintain a good and respectful relationship with your teen.
However, sometimes the differences run too deep and arguments continue. If this is the case, don’t be discouraged and re-engage as soon as you are feeling calm.
Effectively Resolve Conflicts in 6 Steps
What can you do to help the young person cope with both cultures?
Helping your child be comfortable with their home and host cultures will help them find their place and develop good self-esteem. It will also help them be social, maintain a good relationship with their family and maintain good mental health.
Here is some advice on how to help:
- Keep in contact with the home country to facilitate the transition, speak the language, share a traditional meal as a family;
- Reassure and validate the feelings and emotions of your child who is navigating between the two cultures as often as necessary;
- Stay open-minded, talk to your child as often as possible about their discoveries, surprises, fears and worries;
- Value difference to help your child see biculturalism as an asset;
- Be conscious that integrating into a new environment may be different for each family member;
- Remind your child that, no matter where you find yourselves, you will always love them and be there for them.
Here are some resources to help you:
Talk to a counselor with cross-cultural skills:
👉 Associations and organizations that help with the integration of new arrivals in most major cities in Quebec. For more information, consult the Ministère de l’Immigration, de la Francisation et de l’Intégration (MIFI) website at ministère/immigration.
👉 Community settlement, support and integration organizations for immigrants and refugees:
Integration support services offered by partner community organizations, Centre social d’aide aux immigrants, La Maisonnée (available in English), Promis (spport for immigrants and refugees)
👉 Le Regional Program for the Settlement and Integration of Asylum Seekers (PRAIDA)
👉 Cultural Consultation Service (CCS)
👉 Training and Research Transcultural Team
Resources To Help You Deal With Psychological DistressListen to our podcast!
Newcomers and the reality of teenagers of immigrant background
To talk about this while trying to equip parents with tools to use when face with certain problems due to either your teens having a hard time adapting with their new environment, or problems within the relationship with your teen, we have two professionals involved in cultural diversity with us: Dre Ghayda Hassan, cultural psychologist, and Ernithe Edmond, entrepreneure and founder of www.mymentalhealth-matters.com/platform.
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