HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
How to prevent sexual abuse among teens?
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
How to prevent sexual abuse among teens?
Author: Roxanne Guyon, Doctoral Candidate in Sexology
Did you know that in Quebec, two thirds of people who have experienced sexual abuse are under the age of 18? It is also estimated that in almost 9 out of 10 cases, the young victim knows the person committing the sexual abuse.
So how, as a parent, can you protect your teen from sexual violence and prevent them from engaging in abusive behaviour? In this article, we provide practical advice and resources to help you address this sensitive topic.
WHAT FORMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE ARE TEENS MOST EXPOSED TO?
Teens are mainly at risk of sexual abuse that occurs in the context of a relationship with a family member, romantic/intimate partner or authority figure. In most cases, the abuser is someone the victim knows, and may even trust (a family member, intimate/romantic partner, friend, coach, teacher). However, cases of sexual abuse at parties or online (sharing of intimate photos/videos) are becoming more and more common.
To learn more about the rate of sexual abuse among young people 👉 visit the Institut National de Santé Publique au Québec’s website (article in French only).
Learn more about different forms of sexual violence
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO PREVENT SEXUAL ABUSE AMONG YOUNG PEOPLE?
Before even addressing the issue of sexual abuse, you can educate your child and foster the development of their sense of security and self-image:
• Help your teen develop healthy self-esteem: Low self-esteem can make them more vulnerable to sexual abuse.
👉 Our advice to help your teen see their full potential
• Work on your relationship with your teen every day and establish open communication with them: it’s important for your child to feel that they can confide in you without feeling judged. Thus, it can be helpful to start conversations about sensitive or difficult subjects, to be ready to listen and validate their emotions when they open up to you, and to tell them explicitly that they can always count on you if something happens. The earlier you establish open communication, the easier it will be to talk about sensitive subjects later on, such as sexual abuse.
• Talk to your teen about sexual consent, the forms sexual abuse can take, and the importance of telling someone if they ever find themselves in that situation.
AT WHAT AGE SHOULD YOU START TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT SEXUALITY?
It’s recommended to start teaching children about sexuality in an age-appropriate way from the early years (You can start as soon as age 2 or 3!) and continue doing so as they develop. For example, you could start by teaching your toddler that their body belongs to them, telling them the proper names of their private parts, helping them learn to distinguish a good secret from a bad one, and teaching them to say no when they don’t want to do something and to talk to an adult they trust if something happens.
These conversations don’t need to be especially formal. For instance, you could start a discussion with your child after watching a scene in a movie, listening to a song on the radio, watching a news clip, etc.
Remember that it’s never too late to start talking to your child about sexuality.
HOW CAN YOU PREVENT YOUR TEEN FROM ENGAGING IN ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR?
Teaching your child about sexuality from an early age is equally important for preventing abusive behaviour.
Here are some examples of things you can do as a parent:
👩🏽🤝🧑🏿 Teach your child about respect for themselves and others, empathy, and kindness.
🥰 Talk to them about consent and the foundations of a healthy relationship.
💥Teach your teen about the consequences their actions can have for the victim and themselves if there is no consent, and explicitly state that a lack of consent makes it sexual assault.
🚩Explicitly address certain forms of abuse that are under-recognized by young people: putting pressure on someone to engage in sexual activity, sending someone a picture of your genitals without obtaining their prior consent, engaging in sexual intercourse with someone who’s under the influence of alcohol or drugs, etc.
🗨Teach your teen about the different ways violence can manifest in a romantic relationship and help them understand the difference between conflict and violence.
👉Give them concrete tools for handling conflict effectively.
🤔Think about your own behaviour: The way you handle certain situations sets an example for your teen, who may repeat the same behaviour.
👇 For more advice to help you talk about violence in intimate relationships with your child 👇
Watch the videos from our SPARX program
The environment (social, cultural, familial) that a child grows up in can also play a role in the appearance of problematic behaviour.
As a parent, you are ideally positioned to minimize these risks, by:
• Challenging stereotypes perpetuated by rape culture, which is supported by attitudes and behaviours that minimize, normalize, or even encourage rape. Examples of rape culture include blaming victims and invalidating their experiences (e.g., by putting responsibility for what happened on what the victim was wearing when it happened, downplaying the facts, or even blaming the victim for not reporting it).
• Making your teen aware of the risks of the consuming porn and teaching them to be more critical of what they see in porn (scenes where no consent is given, for example).
• Creating a loving and supportive environment for your child and giving them a good education on sexuality. Having friends who exhibit delinquent behaviour or values and witnessing domestic violence at home are some of the risk factors for committing abusive behaviour, but the caring and supportive presence of others can lower this risk.
It should be noted that just because your teen lives in a society where these types of attitudes are common or they watch porn doesn’t necessarily mean that they will commit sexual abuse. However, rape culture sends the message that “this isn’t serious at all and there aren’t really any consequences,” which could make a teen more likely to assault someone or, at the very least, cause them to not reflect about their sexual behaviour or take into consideration the needs and boundaries of their partners.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING OR HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
Not all teens react the same way to this kind of experience, but you may notice a change in your child’s behaviour (increased or decreased appetite, irritability or excessive aggression, more pronounced symptoms of anxiety or depression, withdrawal, start of drug use, etc.). These changes may be a sign that something isn’t right.
But these symptoms or behaviour on their own can’t confirm whether or not your child has been sexually abused. The only way to be sure is if your child talks to you. This is why it’s so important to keep an open line of communication with your child.
WHY IS IT SOMETIMES HARD FOR TEENS TO SPEAK UP WHEN THEY’RE BEING ABUSED?
There are many reasons why a teen might find it hard to talk to their parents about sexual abuse:
• It may be embarrassing for them to talk about something sexual with their parent, and even more so about a subject as difficult as sexual abuse. It may also be the case that the parent is not aware that their teen is sexually active or that the parent knows the abuser, which can create additional barriers to uncovering what’s going on.
• The young victim may also have internalized the blame that rape culture places on them (believing it’s their fault, feeling ashamed) and may minimize the abuse or simply not recognize it as abuse. They might also fear certain reactions: being judged, not being believed even if their parent is normally open with them.
• Speaking about what they’ve been through also means putting their abuse into words and recognizing the fact that they’ve been abused. It can be difficult and stigmatizing for them to label themselves a victim.
HOW CAN YOU ADDRESS THE ISSUE WITHOUT UPSTETTING YOUR CHILD?
If you’re worried or your intuition is telling you that something isn’t right with your child, you can:
🗣 Begin a discussion by mentioning what you’re worried about. Be sure to choose an appropriate time (one-on-one, a calm moment).
👀 Tell them what you’ve noticed, but stick to the facts. “I noticed that you haven’t gone out with your friends on the weekend for the last few weeks.”
🙌Try to be as patient as possible. Your teen may not want to talk right then or they may not feel ready to talk at all. Tell them that you’re there for them and that your door is always open, then try again another time.
👩🏽🤝🧑🏿You can also tell your teen that if they don’t want to talk to you, but something isn’t right, they can talk to someone else they trust. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that your child talks about what’s going on and is able to get help.
What can you do if your teen tells you they’ve been sexually abused?
Despite the shock of this revelation, your child needs a parent they can lean on. They will need you to step up and help them report the situation and find resources to get them help. This is a crucial step in the recovery process.
Here are some resources to help youWHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU NOTICE PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOUR IN YOUR TEEN’S ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? 🚩 HOW CAN YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT WITHOUT ALIENATING THEM?
The first thing to do is to start the conversation calmly. Start by naming the things you’ve identified, then express your worry to your teen:
• Approach the conversation as a dialogue and keep an open mind: If you’re overly moralistic or judgmental, your teen may dig in their heels and refuse to engage. Even if your intention is to protect them, avoid telling them to end the relationship, because they may not be there yet in their journey and may shut down.
• Help your child make their own decisions by guiding them to understand how they feel in the relationship or when their partner behaves a certain way. You can also help them to reflect on strategies to stop the violence from happening again (for example, establishing a safety plan, reflecting together on the best strategies for handling conflict, verbalizing to their partner that it is not acceptable for them to behave violently).
👉 If you observe your teen engaging in violent behaviour with their partner or their friends, take the same approach by expressing your disagreement with their behaviour. Guide your child to reflect on the impact and consequences of their actions: “When you speak or behave like that, what kind of impact do you think it has?”.
If the behaviour continues, don’t hesitate to seek help from specialized organizations or professionals.
Listen to our podcast!
Violence within teenagers relationships: how to keep them safe?
In partnership with Aidersonenfant.com, we tackle a sensitive but essential subject: violence in teen romantic relationships.
How, as parents, can we protect our children from this phenomenon? How can we talk to them about it? And where can we go for help?
Catherine Champagne, Project XOX outreach officer for Pavillon Marguerite de Champlain (shelter for women and children victims of domestic violence) and Deziray de Sousa, doctoral student in psychology and coordinator at the Laboratory for the study of the well-being of families and couples at the UQAM Laboratory for the Study of the Well-being of Families and Couples, join us to discuss these tough questions.
External resources
• All of the Marie-Vincent Foundation’s services
• For more information about the legal aspects of sexual consent, consult Educaloi‘s website.
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