HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
Helping your teen deal with heartbreak
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
Helping your teen deal with heartbreak
Author: Stéphanie Deslauriers, psychoeducator
The teen years are marked by a search for personal identity, love, and intense feelings. First romances come with great expectations—and sometimes, great disappointments!
How can you help your teen navigate heartbreak? Read on for some practical advice.
FIRST LOVE, GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Like generations before them, today’s teens have been exposed to romantic love stories in films and children’s books since childhood. So it’s not surprising that they tend to idealize romance and want to experience the butterflies and the whole range of intense emotions that come with young love.
Unfortunately, they also experience heartbreak: maybe the person they had a crush on doesn’t feel the same way about them, or maybe they break up after dating someone for awhile.
Breakups
A first heartbreak is intense and painful. Many teens feel like no one understands, that they’re alone in the world, and that their life is out of control. In terms of adolescent cognitive development, these feelings are completely normal.
As a parent, wanting to comfort your child is understandable. You might be tempted to say something like:
“You’ll meet someone else, you’ll see!”
“Trust me, you’ll fall in love again.”
“It was just a teenage fling. They aren’t supposed to last forever.”
While your intentions may be good, comments like these can seem to invalidate your child’s feelings. If you want them to feel heard and understood, try something like this instead:
“I know you’re going through a hard time. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I know that breakups are difficult. I’m here if you need me.”
And often, just being there can do a world of good! You don’t have to share your thoughts; simply giving your teen space to express themself and have a good cry can help them feel better. The best way to let go of an emotion, whatever it may be, is to accept it without judgement.
When relationships turn toxic
Not agreeing with other people 100% of the time is perfectly normal, whether it’s with a romantic partner, friend, family member, or coworker. Some conflict is healthy in that it allows everyone to have their say, assert themselves, and work together on a solution. But sometimes, conflict becomes more frequent or more intense and disrespectful—with one person making hurtful or derogatory comments (verbal abuse) or having a negative attitude (invalidating their partner’s emotions, making sarcastic remarks, or purposely making the other person doubt what they’re thinking or feeling, for example).
This is when psychological abuse can creep into a relationship.
Domestic violence
According to the Éducaloi website, domestic violence “occurs between people who are or who have been in an intimate relationship. […] Domestic violence can occur at any age and often involves an imbalance of power in the relationship. The abuser will typically use different strategies to control the victim, including insults, threats, or intimidation.”
Want to help your teen learn to recognize the signs of domestic violence?
Have them try this interactive simulator that lets users engage in hypothetical chats illustrating abusive behaviour.
You think your teen is experiencing domestic violence in their relationship?
Ask them to take this self-assessment.
A few examples of inflicted or experienced violence
- Being maliciously criticized for your physical appearance, being insulted and put down in front of others.
- Having your comings and goings, online chats, or cell phone monitored, or being prevented from seeing friends.
- Being forced to kiss or caress your partner against your will.
- Having something thrown at you that could have injured you.
- Being grabbed, pushed, or shoved.
- Being slapped.
- Being punched, kicked, or injured by an object or weapon.
- Being sexually coerced against your will.
Source: Statistique Québec
If you believe that your teen is experiencing domestic violence in their relationship, be ready to lend an ear. Don’t lecture them; they may feel like you’re trying to control them, just like their romantic partner.
Try to gently raise awareness about the toxic nature of what they’re experiencing by mentioning certain behaviours you’ve noticed:
“I notice that you haven’t been as cheerful lately.”
“You often say that you’re having a tough time with your boyfriend/girlfriend; how do you feel about the situation?”
You can also tell them how you feel:
“I’m worried about you.”
Leave the door open so that your child can open up to you at their pace, without rushing things.
Of course, if their safety is in jeopardy, you should step in and report the situation to the police.
NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH WITH YOUR TEENAGER?
Contact Tel-jeunes Parents for free professional support, 24/7