HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
How to prevent sexual abuse among teens?
HELPING TEENS STAY BALANCED
How to prevent sexual abuse among teens?
Author: Roxanne Guyon, Doctoral Candidate in Sexology
Did you know that in Quebec, two thirds of people who have experienced sexual abuse are under 18? It is also estimated that in almost 9 in 10 cases, the young victim knows the person committing the sexual abuse.
So how, as a parent, can you protect your teen from sexual violence as well as keep them from committing abusive behaviour? Here we provide practical advice and resources to help you navigate this sensitive issue.
WHAT FORMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE ARE TEENS MOST EXPOSED TO?
Teens are mainly at risk of sexual abuse that occurs in the context of a relationship with a family member, romantic/intimate partner or authority figure. In most cases, the abuser is someone known to the victim, even someone they trust (a family member, intimate/romantic partner, friend, coach, teacher). However, situations of sexual abuse at parties or online (sharing of photos/intimate videos) are becoming more and more common.
To learn more about the extent of sexual abuse among young people 👉 visit the Institut National de Santé Publique au Québec’s website (article in French only).
Learn more about different forms of sexual violence
WHAT SOLUTIONS ARE THERE FOR PREVENTING SEXUAL ABUSE AMONG YOUNG PEOPLE?
Before even addressing the issue of sexual abuse, you can educate your child and make them more aware of several basic concepts of everyday self-development:
• Help your teen develop healthy self-esteem:having low self-esteem can be a factor that makes someone more vulnerable to sexual abuse.
👉 Our advice to help your teen see their full potential
• Improve your relationship with your teen every day and establish good communication with them: it’s important that your child feels that they can confide in you without feeling judged. It can therefore be beneficial to initiate conversations on sensitive or difficult subjects, to be ready to listen and validate their emotions when they open up to you, and to tell them explicitly that they can always count on you if something happens. The earlier good communication is established in your relationship with your child, the more it can facilitate conversations on sensitive subjects, such as sexual abuse.
• Educate your teen about and make them more aware of sexual consent, the forms sexual abuse can take and the importance of talking about it if such a situation arises.
WHAT AGE SHOULD YOUR CHILD BE WHEN YOU START TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY WITH THEM?
It is recommended that you teach your child about sexuality at a young age (it’s possible to do so even when they’re 2 to 3 years old!), and to continue teaching them several times throughout their development, adapting the discussion to the child’s age. For example, we can make young children aware of the fact that their body belongs to them. We can teach them to name their intimate body parts, to distinguish a good secret from a bad one, to develop the ability to say no when they don’t want to do something and to speak with an adult they trust if something happens.
These conversations don’t necessarily need to be very formal. You can, for example, start a discussion with your child after watching a scene in a film, listening to a song on the radio, watching a news clip, etc.
Know that it’s never too late to start teaching your child about sexuality. It’s never too late to start talking about these subjects with them.
HOW CAN YOU PREVENT THE ONSET OF ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR IN YOUR TEEN?
The importance of starting to teach your child about sexuality from the youngest age possible also applies to preventing abusive behaviour.
Here are some examples of talks and attitudes to prioritize:
👩🏽🤝🧑🏿 Teach your child about respecting themselves and others, empathy and kindness.
🥰 Speak with them about consent and the basics of a healthy relationship.
💥Teach your teen about the consequences their actions can have for the victim and themselves if there is no consent, and explicitly state that a lack of consent makes it sexual assault.
🚩Explicitly address certain forms of abuse that are less often recognized by young people: putting pressure on someone to engage in a sexual activity, sending someone a photo of your genitalia without having obtained their prior consent, engaging in sexual intercourse with someone who’s under the influence of alcohol or drugs …
🗨Teach your teen about the different ways violence in a romantic relationship can manifest and help them understand the difference between conflict and violence.
👉Give them concrete tools for better handling conflict.
🤔Ask yourself about your own behaviour: the way you handle certain situations is an example for your teen who may repeat the same behaviour (this is what we callsilent education).
👇 For more advice to help you talk about violence in intimate relationships with your child 👇
Watch the video clips from our SPARX program
The environment (social, cultural, familial) that a child grows up in can also play a role in the appearance of problematic behaviour.
As a parent, you possess a unique role in minimizing these risks:
• By overturning the stereotypes conveyed in rape culture, which is supported by attitudes and behaviours that minimize, normalize or even encourage rape. Rape culture manifests, for example, in the act of blaming victims and undermining their voices (by putting responsibility for what happened on what the victim was wearing when it happened, by downplaying the facts or even blaming the victim for not reporting it).
• By making your teen aware of the risks linked to the consumption of pornography and leading them to be more critical of the things they see in pornography (scenes where no consent is given, for example).
• By establishing a loving and supportive environment around your child and giving them a good education on sexuality. Having friends who exhibit delinquent behaviour or values or witnessing domestic violence at home are some of the risk factors for committing abusive behaviour, but the caring and supportive presence of others can lower this risk.
It should be noted that just because your teen lives in a society where these types of attitudes are conveyed, or they watch pornography doesn’t necessarily mean that they will commit sexual abuse. But rape culture sends the message that “this isn’t serious at all and there aren’t really any consequences.” This can encourage rapists or, at the very least, cause young people to not reflect about their sexual behaviour or take into consideration the needs and limits of their partners.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING OR HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
Teens don’t all react the same way to this kind of experience, but you may be able to observe a change in your child’s behaviour (increased or decreased appetite, irritability or excessive aggression, more pronounced symptoms of anxiety or depression, withdrawal, start of drug use, etc.). These changes may be a sign that something isn’t right.
But these symptoms or behaviour on their own can’t confirm whether or not your child has been sexually abused. Your child disclosing it to you is the only reliable sign. This is why it’s important to have open discussions with your child.
WHY MIGHT IT BE DIFFICULT FOR YOUR TEEN TO SPEAK ABOUT BEING ABUSED?
Telling a parent that you’ve been sexually abused is difficult for several reasons:
• It may be embarrassing for them to speak about something sexual with their parent, and even more so about a subject as difficult as sexual abuse. It may also be the case that the parent is not aware that their teen is sexually active or that the parent knows the abuser, which can create additional barriers to uncovering what’s going on.
• The young victim may also have internalized the blame that rape culture places on them (believing it’s their fault, feeling ashamed) and may minimize the abuse or simply not recognize it as abuse. They might also fear certain reactions: being judged, not being believed even if their parent is normally open with them.
• Speaking about what they’ve been through is also putting into words and recognizing the fact that they’ve been abused. It can be difficult and stigmatizing for them to label themselves a victim.
HOW CAN YOU ADDRESS THE ISSUE WITHOUT HURTING YOUR CHILD?
If you’re worried or your intuition is telling you that something isn’t right with your child, you can:
🗣 Begin a discussion by mentioning what you’re worried about: choose an appropriate time (one-on-one, a calm moment).
👀 Tell them factually what you’ve noticed: “I noticed that you haven’t gone out with your friends on the weekend for the last few weeks.”
🙌Try to be as patient as possible. Your teen may not want to talk at that moment or they may not feel ready to talk. Tell them that you’re there for them and that your door is always open, then try again at a later time.
👩🏽🤝🧑🏿You can also tell your teen that if they don’t want to talk to you, but something isn’t right, they can talk to another person they trust. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that your child speaks about it and is able to get help.
What can you do if your teen tells you they’ve been sexually abused?
Despite the shock of this revelation, your child needs a parent they can lean on. It is essential that you accompany your child to report the situation and find resources to get them help. This is a determining step in the recovery process.
Here are some resources to help youWHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU NOTICE PROBLEMATIC BEHAVIOUR IN YOUR TEEN’S ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? 🚩 HOW SHOULD YOU SPEAK TO THEM ABOUT IT WITHOUT ANTAGONIZING THEM?
The first thing to do is to start the conversation calmly. Start by naming the things you’ve identified, then express your worry to your teen:
• Adopt a position of openness and dialogue: if your speech is moralistic or judgmental, your teen may dig in their heels and not be receptive to talking. Even if your intention is to protect them, avoid telling them to end the relationship, because they may not be there yet in their journey and may shut down.
•Help your child make their own decisions by guiding them to understand how they feel in the relationship or when their partner behaves a certain way. You can also guide them to reflect on strategies to stop the violence from happening again (for example, establishing a safety plan, reflecting together on the best strategies for handling conflicts, verbalizing to their partner that it is not acceptable for them to behave violently).
👉 If you observe your teen engaging in violent behaviour with their partner or their friends, adopt the same approach by expressing your disagreement with their behaviour. Guide your child to reflect on the impact and consequences of their actions: “When you speak or behave like that, what kind of impact do you think it has?”.
If it continues, don’t hesitate to look for help from organizations or professionals who specialize in this issue.
Listen to our podcast!
Violence within teenagers relationships: how to keep them safe?
In partnership with Aidersonenfant.com, we are tackling a sensitive subject we can’t ignore: violence within the romantic relationship of our teens.
How, as parents, can we shield our youngsters from this phenomenon? How can we talk to them about it? And where can we go if professional assistance is needed?
Catherine Champagne, Project XOX sensitasation agent for Pavillon Marguerite de Champlain (shelter for women and children victims of conjugal violence) and Deziray de Sousa, doctoral student in psychology and coordinator at the Laboratory for the study of the well-being of families and couples at l’UQAM, are here to discuss it with us.
External resources
• All of the Marie-Vincent Foundation’s services
• For more information about legal aspects of sexual consent, consult Educaloi‘s website.
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