Helping teens stay balanced
MY TEEN WON'T TALK TO ME: WHAT CAN I DO?
Helping teens stay balanced
MY TEEN WON'T TALK TO ME: WHAT CAN I DO?
Author: Suzanne Vallières, psychologist, speaker and mother
Are you experiencing a conflict with your teenager, and they refuse to talk to you? In situations like this, it’s normal to feel helpless. As a parent, it’s not always easy to know what caused the conflict or how to interact with your teen without alienating them.
Here are a few tips to give you a new perspective and to help you engage with your teen.
WHY WON’T MY TEEN TALK TO ME?
Teenagers are in the process of becoming more assertive and are still learning how to develop conflict resolution strategies, which explains why some of their reactions may seem immature to adults. In fact, the regions of the brain responsible for judgment and emotional regulation in young people continue developing until the age of 25!
Some teenagers’ refusal to communicate may signal their disagreement. It’s a way of “punishing” you after you’ve refused them something or after a conflict. Your teen is most likely having this strong reaction because their emotions are overwhelming.
In these moments, as a parent, you can end up thinking something along the lines of: “If they want to ignore me, that’s their problem!” or “There’s no reason for them to sulk, they’ll talk to me again after they’ve calmed down.”
This is a natural reaction, however, your role as a parent is to re-establish communication with your teen, regardless of the situation that caused the conflict in the first place.
By showing your teen that you’re available, and that you want to connect regardless of their reaction, you’ll help establish a strong bond and a sense of emotional security. These are elements for maintaining a healthy, open relationship between parents and teens.
HOW DO YOU RE-ESTABLISH COMMUNICATION WITH A TEEN WHO STUBBORNLY REFUSES TO TALK?
Think back to your own adolescence, maybe you can remember how strongly you wanted to assert yourself and the sense of pride you may have had. So, keep in mind that if you turn the conflict into a struggle where you wait until your teen is in a vulnerable position before they re-engage with you, the communication breakdown is likely to persist and may affect your relationship negatively.
For example, avoid the following behaviours around your teenager:
- Acting indifferent or not engaging in the conflict;
- Not including them in family activities, whether by not inviting them or by not talking to them;
- Forcing your child to talk to you on your terms;
- Judging or criticizing your child by invalidating their reaction or trivializing the situation;
- Communicating by monologue or interrogation, asking questions without equal exchanges or discussions of how your points of view differ.
Here are a few tips to help you re-establish communication with your child:
🚴♂️ Do an activity with your teen without necessarily seeking to have a conversation or revist the conflict (go for a run, play a sport, go out to the movies, etc.).
🗣 Communicate in contexts where you are “parallel” to each other, rather than directly interacting. For example, you can chat “parallel” to each other in the car or when you’re busy with chores around the house. This kind of informal interaction is often less stressful to the teenager and can help ease them into a conversation more gently.
👋 Show initiative: this can mean knocking on their bedroom door to talk, proposing activities to do together or talking to them on a regular basis. In short, show your desire to re-establish communication and avoid waiting for it to come from the teenager.
👂 Be available to listen: if your teen opens up to you, it’s essential to take the time to receive the information and to express yourself kindly in response, even if you disagree with some of what they say. You can, of course, disagree, but do so respectfully. This helps encourage your kid to keep talking to you.
For example, avoid saying: “I would never let you go out that late!” Instead, say something like: “I understand that you may have felt frustrated by this situation. It wasn’t my intention to frustrate you. I forbade you from going out for your safety.”
🤐 Respect their privacy: like listening, discretion is key when your teen confides in you about their challenges and concerns. For example, avoid initiating delicate conversations in front of siblings or other family members or revealing minor secrets to the other parent.
ARE YOU WORRIED THAT YOU AND YOUR KID ARE DRIFTING APART AND THAT THEY’RE BECOMING MORE DISTANT?
Maybe your teenager isn’t completely refusing to talk to you, but you feel that they are opening up to you less and less, and that they’re “excluding” you from certain areas of their life where you used to be involved.
This is a completely normal part of typical adolescent development, children begin to discover their own identity, looking to become more autonomous and to socialize with their peers. This is why your teen may be more inclined to discuss their concerns with friends.
Here again, it’s important to have an open and attentive attitude, and to be patient. For example, avoid accusing your teen of not talking to you, making them feel guilty for preferring the company of their friends to yours, or forcing closeness or confessions. This can potentially lead to difficult interactions that could become a source of conflict and discomfort and increase the distance between the two of you.
👉 Keep in mind that if you’re going through this with your child, the lack of communication isn’t personal on their end, and that their strong reactions are how they express their negative emotions.
The most important thing is for your teen to feel that you are present and supportive despite any conflicts, and that you support them in expressing their emotions and communicating about disagreements.
Our tips for maintaining good parent-teen communicationIN OUR VIDEO, YOU WILL FIND TESTIMONIALS FROM FAMILIES AND VALUABLE ADVICE ON HOW TO EASE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
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LEARN MORE ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND HER BOOKS
Suzanne Vallières, a psychologist, has been working in the media field since 1996. In addition to working with various magazines, she offers the results of more than 25 years of experience with young people as a specialized trainer, therapist, lecturer, mother of three children and grandmother. She is the author of the successful “Survival Tips for Parents” series, which has been translated into six languages, the Survival Guide to Disciplining Children Aged 0 to 10, the Survival Guide for Exhausted Parents and the Survival Guide for Grandparents.
VISIT HER WEBSITE ↗